Naomi is a powerful marketing executive for a major corporation. She oversees a staff of 14 employees and doesn't flinch when it comes to making million-dollar business decisions. But it's a different story when she's around her family. "Whenever I am around my highly demanding mother, my extremely critical father, and my very competitive brothers and sisters, I feel like a powerless 4-year-old again," says Naomi. "No matter what I say to myself before I walk in the door, I still tend to lose it when I'm around my family."

She's not alone. In his book When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People, where Naomi makes a cameo appearance, psychologist Leonard Felder says that most people have had similar experiences. In a random survey he conducted of more than 1,300 men and women, 75 percent said they have at least one family member who gets on their nerves. And 68 percent described family get-togethers as frustrating or unenjoyable.

You'd think it would be easier to get along with people who are bound together by blood. But according to Felder, the research suggests that the whole spectrum of a given personality trait plays out within each family. As an example, take self-absorbed behavior. In any family, says Felder, there are usually a couple of people who are completely self-absorbed or narcissistic, some who are by turns selfish and unselfish, and a few on the opposite end of the scale -- so empathic and selfless that they may get stepped on by other family members.

Given this jumble of traits within each family, conflict is understandable. Still, there are things you can do to make exasperating relationships more bearable.

When dealing with offensive family members, it can help to think about why their behavior bothers you so much. Often this means examining your personal boundaries. Boundaries determine how vulnerable we allow ourselves to be -- and conversely, how protective we are of our inner selves. They help us find the balance between the desire for intimacy and the desire for autonomy.

Psychologist Jane Adams, the author of Boundary Issues, says that we each have a "boundary style" in how we approach our interpersonal relationships. We may be highly susceptible to others' opinions and behavior or, on the other hand, closed off and distancing -- or we may fall somewhere in between. What's important, Adams says, is that we might need to change our boundary style in response to different people.

According to Adams, we use something called boundary intelligence to help us define and improve our relationships with others. The first step is to be aware of our own boundaries (and those of others) and to realize when they are being violated -- something Adams calls an "emotional trespass". An emotional trespass is pretty easy to recognize when it happens to you, but not so easy to see when you violate someone else's boundaries. For instance, if you are the type of person who likes to establish a sense of personal intimacy by sharing a lot of yourself with others, you might be put off by your Aunt Joan, who protects her inner self ferociously. She may see your familiarity as an emotional trespass, while you feel rebuffed by her lack of warmth and acceptance -- an emotional trespass of a different sort.

Once you recognize your boundary differences, says Adams, you can adjust your expectations accordingly, decide on a strategy, and take action. After taking account of the difference in your styles of communication, you may decide not to routinely share with Aunt Joan certain information that your other relatives thrive on -- say, your boyfriend problems or the really weird dream you had the night before. That way, she's less likely to feel threatened by your openness -- and you're less likely take her natural reserve personally.

You can also use a similar strategy to deal with assaults on your own boundaries. If you're going home for a Thanksgiving dinner, for example, you may agonize over the prospect that your wisecracking brother will joke about the weight you've gained. Your usual reaction when this happens is to ignore him while seething inwardly. This time, try focusing on the differences in your boundary styles. You're vulnerable to being undermined by people who push your boundaries, while your brother gains a sense of control by doing so. His comments are not so much about you as they are his style of dealing with people.

Armed with this knowledge, you may choose to not react so strongly to his comment. You might also defuse the tension by making a joke like "Didn't you know that holiday calories don't count? Pass the potatoes!"

If this seems a little daunting, Felder offers some practical tips to smooth the bumps in troubling family relationships. Often we feel that a relative's obnoxious behavior is a reflection on us, particularly in public settings. This, Felder insists, is wrong. At such times a little detachment and humor can help ease your discomfort and let you enjoy yourself in spite of the situation.

Here are a few other suggestions:

Felder even suggests setting a "budget" of, say, five or 10 things that can go wrong at a family event. This helps reframe your thinking about it. That way, if only three or four things go wrong, the day will feel more like a success.

A frequent mistake people make when trying to get along with relatives is having a confrontation to "clear the air." According to Felder, this almost always backfires. Unloading on someone, he says, often leaves both parties feeling bitter and vengeful. Avoid using terms like "You always" or "You never" when you communicate with family members. Keep in mind that you have much more control over how you react to someone than you do over his or her actions.

No one knows that better than Laura Smith.* For years Laura endured a verbally abusive relationship with her father. He yelled at her constantly and told her she was stupid, a bad parent, and a lousy businessperson. Laura tried to defend herself against these unreasonable attacks with no success.

The final straw was when she was in a restaurant with her father and the waitress asked him to be quiet -- she had already had to move three tables of nearby diners who were disturbed by his yelling. After that, Laura didn't talk to her father for almost a year. But not wanting to deprive her children of a relationship with their grandfather -- whom they adored, and who adored them back -- Laura gradually reestablished contact with her dad. She's accepted that she can't change him, and has learned to let his comments slide by her. "I have found the 'Yeah, whatever' method to be the most successful," says Laura. "I let him say his piece. In the event he asks what I think, I am straightforward. For now, it works."

At the same time, keeping anger bottled up isn't good for you -- physically or emotionally. Find an outlet for your frustration, such as writing your relative a letter that you don't send or even talking about it with a therapist.

Also, consider what might be behind your relative's bad behavior. Many verbally abusive people are not so tough on the inside. According to Felder, difficult relatives have often become prickly and defensive to cover up their own psychological wounds. This doesn't excuse their behavior, but it can certainly make it more tolerable.

Sometimes a family member may have a problem so grave that it's almost impossible to see him or her in a social setting. A relative with drug or alcohol problems or a tendency toward violence can disrupt and even ruin family gatherings. But even then, that person may still be welcome to attend -- as long as she follows some rules. For instance, your family may agree to tell her that she is welcome as long as she can treat others with respect and not become drunk or verbally abusive. It should be clear that if she violates these rules, she will be asked to leave.

Family therapy can be useful in dealing with extremely difficult family members and in determining where to draw the line. Cutting off a relative completely should be a last resort. Even if you have to stop seeing her for a while, let her know that you'll be willing to resume the relationship if the problem behaviors are resolved .

If you have children, the way you deal with family conflict will be a lesson to them -- intended or not. When you set clear boundaries with a vexing family member, your children learn a valuable strategy for handling troublesome relationships. Clinical social worker Mark Sichel advises, "Teach and model tolerance, generosity, and gratitude whenever you have the opportunity to do so." That's great advice, whether you're dealing with your own family members -- or someone else's.

-- Nancy Montgomery is a senior editor at Consumer Health Interactive.

*Not her real name

Further Resources

American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy
112 South Alfred St.
Alexandria, Virginia 22314-3061
Phone: (703) 838-9808
http://www.aamft.org/

References

First published August 22, 2006
Last updated May 14, 2008
Copyright © 2006 Consumer Health Interactive